The Dichotomous Dick: The Mighty, Magical Staff

 

staff

Dick is a wonderful thing.  A Mighty, Magical Staff. Healer. Mind Regulator. Redeemer. Resuscitator. Rejuvenator.

But… it’ll also ruin your life. It has this dichotomous power of bringing about great relief; then causing immense pain.  Let’s work through a few of these.

Dick:

  • Brings the Sunshine and Causes the Storm
  • Wakes you UP to put you DOWN
  • It’s the Cause and the Cure. (XD, 2015)
  • Lies you down in green pastures and gets you up with a stain on your dress

It’ll fuck up your plans and recondition your mind.  All the donkey that you swore was cast out of you shows up like, “Hey What’s Up Hello?!!” It conjures up the donkey.  As it hits your cervix, you can hear your credit score falling. But you say “I’ll call the credit people to fix it.” That shit is dangerous.  It’s powerful sorcery.  With the stroke of the staff, your life can come tumbling down. But what’s worse is that YOU WON’T EVEN CARE! You’ll make up excuses like, “He’s only driving my car to get it detailed at the place he goes to with the Morning Fresh & tire shine included.” Girlfriends, we have to guard ourselves from the mighty sword of the Son of the Morning. Dick does not discriminate. Nobody is immune to this powerful wizardry. Anybody can come under dicknosis.  If you see your girlfriend under the powerful sorcery of the dick; it’s your job to pull them to the side and let them know “dick done got you.” Call the Elders.

Elle

Girlfriend Church: Where Aunties Pull You to the Side

Hey Girlfriends,

Welcome to Girlfriend Church…Where Aunties Pull You to the Side.  Girlfriend Church is a place where girlfriends come to discuss real things.

As I traverse through life, I have realized that many people just do not seem to have someone to pull them to the side.  We do a lot of dumb shit in life and much could be avoided if we had someone to tell us that we are doing dumb shit.

I have also noticed a huge breakdown of communication with intergenerational relationships of women. That is; somewhere along the way, women stopped talking to each other. Mothers, aunts and cousins do not share their experiences with daughters, nieces and cousins. We are often left to figure it out on our own. So while I can not fix this divide, what I can do is offer a place where girlfriends can come to share experiences or to just relate.

While I can only speak from the perspective of a woman, Girlfriend Church is not limited to women who were born with an XX chromosome pair. My definition of Girlfriend Church is the following:

Girlfriend: Anyone with a vagina and/or fucks with the phallus

Church: an assembly of people. The body.

So if you consider yourself to be a girlfriend, then feel free to slide in a pew. But don’t forget to put your church finger up if you are late because Aunties will pull you to the side.

Elle