Girlfriends, if you are my Twitter Pal, then you know I LOVE ME A NILLATUNE! THE NILLAS GOT THE LYRICS! Follow me, Girlfriends!
I was singing Ace of Base’s “The Sign” and the lyrics started to minister to my soul. Those Swedish Nillas said a lot of shady shit! “I got a new life, you would hardly recognize me I’m so glad. How could a person like me care for you?” Daaaamn NillaWoman! Talk about getting rid of a FuckNilla!
But back to the sermon at hand… Girlfriends, the lyrics that spoke to me were “No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong”. Oftentimes, we are waiting for this big thing to happen that will bring us happiness. We’ll be happy once we are in a relationship, have kids, lose weight etc. We’ll be happy once we make peace with certain things “happening to us”. But the truth is that happiness is dependent upon us getting into the light where we belong. Ain’t a gotdamn person finna save us. Nobody is going to point us to the light! We have to identify our light, go be the light engineer, adjust the shit to the perfect spot, then go stand in the shit! This is a one-girlfriend show!
We cannot wait for anyone to give us the signal. We have to notice the signs around us and get into the motherfuckin light where we belong! We don’t have to want what we were told we should. We don’t have to live where we were born or where the cost-of-living is low! Girlfriends, we can do whatever the fuck we want & we get to choose whatever that light is. So like those Swedish Nillas said “No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. But where do you belong?”
Listen to this Iconic 90’s NillaTune & Vibe With Me https://g.co/kgs/rGYZ7
Girlfriends, I come here and share some of my experiences with gentleman callers because that’s what girlfriends do, amirite? In my NiggaEncounters, it’s been this weird phenomenon where these niggas are on a quest to show that they are “cool as a cucumber”. They aren’t “beat” or “pressed”. THAT SHIT IS CORNY! What I am wondering is, “Why is a bad thing is sweat the person that you like?” Why are they so hype to be “Cool Hand Luke Ass Niggas”? Follow me, Girlfriends.
Girlfriends, I am a woman of science and analytics where 1+1 will always equal 2. In my best experiences with gentleman callers, it always followed the pattern of he liked me…he sweated me…I sweated him back…Mutual sweat…Bliss. But presently, it seems like sweating the person you like is taboo. Wuttice dis shit? What is wrong with having the courage to show the person you like that you…I don’t know…LIKE THEM!? What bad things could I possibly say about a man that sweats me? “Oh that nigga was sweatin me his dumb ass thought I was worth his concentrated attention! Haha clown!”? Why do people feel the need to skip days between contact “just to let you know they ain’t beat?” What good does that serve? Unless you never liked the person to begin with and you’re just wasting their time-which is some other dumb ass shit for another post.
Back to the sermon at hand, I work hard to be a deliberately good person with good energy, straight teeth and all types of things to make ppl bask in my ambiance. I work hard to BE the exact energy that I want bestowed on me. I like for my gentleman callers to show me that they dig my shit by sweating me. Call me nigga. Text me boo. Plan the dates! Cuz guess what? I’m gonna load up the selfie choppa for you. You like my lips? A bitch went to Ulta & used her rewards on a new lipstick & I’m gonna send you kissy faces. I’m gonna order all the cute clothes & panty drawers for our dates. I’m gonna touch you, I’m gonna show how I brush with baking soda by cheesin all in your presence! You look good? I’m body rollin’ on sight! We are gonna be in a MUTUAL SWEAT!
Girlfriends, since we tend to agree on many things (that’s why we’re good girlfriends right?) if you like for your gentleman callers to sweat you, don’t accept any dry ass treatment from these Cool Hand Luke Ass Niggas. Don’t be afraid to give them the simple math of “If you like me, sweat me and I will sweat you back!” Cuz Girlfriends, ain’t much cornier than a man too cool to show you his excitement about your presense. If he ain’t pressed then he can press on and be corny and dry with someone who likes that dry shit. As for me and MY GIRLFRIENDS, WE DEMAND THE PERSPIRATION!!!
Girlfriends, there is this strange epidemic that seems to only afflict these niggas. It is called After the Fact Ass Love. Follow me, Girlfriends.
For some reason, love isn’t good enough until it’s gone. In my experience, these niggas have to lose me to SEE me. While I’m present, they are not sure. All my aunthentic awesomeness is never enough for the solid choice. But as soon as I bounce, here come the NIGGAPIPHANIES! My hotline is blinging, they are scoring high on the SAT verbal section for analogies, adjectives & synonymns in my inbox! All of sudden they are the masters of Shakesperean sonnets, thug love songs & Triple Crown Publishing thug book poetry. All of things that I asked for but were “couldn’t dos” reveal themselves as “wouldn’t dos but doing it nows”. This is After the Fact Ass Love.
What’s worst of all about After the Fact Ass Love is these niggas think that I should be happy about it! My longtime girlfriends know that I don’t remix my dicks. While I make this clear to my gentleman callers, they think I’m a motherfuckin game. I am not. Not only do I refuse to remix the dick, but I am also highly offended by their attemps to be remixed. I am the same person as I was when we were involved. So all of the awesome things that you now miss about me were all of the things that were too much, too little or not valued by you before.
So while I understand that people come to awakenings at different times; please save your niggapiphanies for your pastor, imam or rabbi. My love is for those who can see it in the moment. For those who may be afraid but have the courage to go after it in the present. As St. Diddy of New York once said “You want it but u fear but u love it when you near it”. That is the love that deserves me. Not that stale ass “Oh I been thinkin on the good times” After the Fact Ass Love.
So Girlfriends, you do what you want, but just know that you deserve love in the present. If they can’t see you, then they don’t have the vision. You don’t have to settle for that old ass, moldy ass, remixed dick ass, needed to put sod on the other side of the grass ass, After the Fact Ass Love.
This is a bit more emotional than I’m usually willing to be but it’s honest. Follow me, Girlfriends.
“Good things come to those who wait” is a saying that all of us girlfriends have been told at one time or another. Patience is the elusive virtue of waiting that we’ve been trying to master all of our lives. When we were children, we tried to control the angst of wanting to go to KB Toys or McDonalds. We did little dances, counted down the minutes or days until we walked through those doors to toy & hamburger heaven. As teenagers, we checked the mail every day for those college acceptances. We filled our days with teenage activities that stole away our attention in effort to practice patience. But of all these events; we knew that there was a date where our suffering would end.
However, as adults, we are told to practice patience in receiving the one thing that has no guarentee of ever arriving; love. Walt Disney told us that fairytale love was waiting for us. TV showed us that the undeniable love that we were owed would surely happen at college. You know-Whitley & Dwayne love. But what happens as the days of waiting go on without a hint of an end date and the cup reserved for love remains …without… love? While they tell us to keep our hearts open, they never tell us about the weight of waiting. Yes girlfriends, the weight of waiting. YOU know exactly what I mean because you feel it…right… now. As we wait, weights take up residence in the space in our souls that is reserved for love. These weights often read as follows:
1 kg- Is this thing on? *taps mic*
5kg- Did my soulmate beep me 911 when I was late on my bill? *checks beeper*
10kg- Am I not attractive enough? *hits gym*
20kg-Am in the right location? *researches best place for singles*
30 kg- Do I go out enough? *calls girlfriends*
40 kg- Do I go out too much? *orders kindle books*
50kg- Did I choose the wrong career path? *looks at degrees*
75kg- Am I not “soft” enough? Am I loveable? *plays Lemonade *
100 kg- Not everyone gets to experience love; I’m one of them. *cues tears*
Before you know it, all of these weights have summed into the unspoken but ever-present weight of waiting. The emotional fatigue of waiting, reading articles, praying & exercising faith in effort to convince yourself that you’re okay and waiting the “right way”- all result in an undeniable but clandestine weight that consumes you. It manifests itself into weight gain/loss, extreme behaviors, overcompensation, doubt…apathy. You then rebuke yourself for believing in those fairytales and denouncing love. “Why did I think that coulf be for me?”
But…while those weights are there, that cup…that space in your soul reminds you that it is highly specialized…for love. Weights are taking residence; but because it is the designated space for love- it is essentially…STILL…empty.
Unlike other posts, I can’t offer any remedy or cute anecdotal retort. All I can say is- girlfriends, the weight of waiting gets the best of us. It is rude and does not give a fig newton about your plans. You don’t have to be actively seek love. It doesn’t matter if you are waiting the “right” or “wrong” way. Doesn’t matter if you have 18 gentleman callers or haven’t been called on in 18 years. The weight of waiting for the love that you don’t know will ever happen is real and it is valid. I don’t know if we can uplift it but I do know that sometimes it helps to conceptualize what you feel and to also know that your girlfriends feel that weight too.
In past relationships, I have listened to the advice of others who say “tell him what you need, you can’t expect people to read your mind.” But, I have often found myself frustrated after communicating what I wanted and not receiving it. When this happened to me, I kept analyzing the situation and it made me fixate on the concept of willingness. Follow me, Girlfriends.
Willingness is the capacity of which you allow yourself to do; to be open and available to surrender. With this one particular person, no matter how much I yelled what I wanted, he would not relent. In his eyes, he did not see the need for the things that I said I wanted. It was then that I realized that he did not have the willingness to give me what I needed. Despite all his claims of love for me, he was unwilling to show said love in the way that I needed. It wasnt about me, it was about his unwillingness to be anything other than what he thought was necessary. It was his right to do so; just as it was my right to walk away. And I did.
Willingness takes courage. It means that despite past experiences, one is willing to cleave from old paradigms and adapt to the needs of others. It’s not about what you think about it; it’s about how the other person feels. My definition of love encompasses thinking of new ways to make your S.O. happy. That requires willingness.
So if you ever find yourself in a situation where you aren’t getting what you want and you have communicated this to your S.O; walk away. They dont have the willingness to love you in the way that you need. So, you have to have the willingness to get the love you deserve…from someone else.
So today’s my birthday!!! I’m 32 and very excited!With every birthday, I try to reflect on the past year. I accomplished a lot of tangible goals that I am very proud of. But I am most proud of ridding my life of bullshit!
I made it another year without ruining my life with some nigga that didn’t deserve me. No arrests and no kids! My hair aint fall out, my teeth are still straight, my bills are paid! Praise NillaYahweh!!! I’m really proud to be in a place where I’m in control of my destiny! I made a vow to myself that I would only involve myself with things that were “the shit” and not “bullshit” and I did not go back on my word!
I wont pretend that it was a piece of cake being on a niggabatical and not falling on a dick. I love men! But once I reminded myself that I didn’t want chocolate covered bullshit, it got easier. I made a committment to my upper echelon life and that includes treating myself like gold. So, I can’t subject myself to bronze ass behavior.
So while I’ve received a lot of gifts and well wishes, the best gift that I received is the one that I gave myself. That is; the permission to be strong enough to declare what I deserve and to not deviate from it. I dont listen to anyone’s advice to settle or stop being too this or that. The life and love that I want is specific; and some people just cant be a part of it. I cant make people fit for a part that was written for a specific type of person. I gave myself the permission to decline requests for association without apology or explanation. I’m not for everybody; nor is everybody for me. And that’s okay.
So with that, Happy Birthday Elle. May your next year be one bearing the fruit of your sacrifices and commitment to yourself. #1010 #LadyLibra
I love sexy niggas and that’s my fuckin’ problem. But late last year, I found myself in a situation with a nigga that should not have gotten the chance to be in my space. I fell for all of the pomp and circumstance that comes with the “I’ve liked you since (insert educational institution) but didn’t think that I had the chance” shtick. But it was all for naught because his actions did not match his words. I was very upset because I just did not understand why he would bother me if he was not ready to put the effort in. Mind you, I am very rarely affected, but for some reason, I was beyond upset and hurt.
After this happened, I took a good look at myself and decided that I needed to get off of the field of play and figure my shit out. Generally, I make extremely sound decisions with critical evaluation. But when it comes to these niggas, I’m dumb. My choices of and with men were not matching my desires. I would never say that I am done with men, but I decided that I needed a break from these niggas. So I decided to institute the Niggabatical.
So what is a Niggabatical? Simply put, the Niggabatical is when you take a break from these niggas. It is not implemented to make you bitter or angry. Instead, the goal of the Niggabatical is to take a step back and look at your needs, desires and patterns. It’s a time where you figure out if your choices and actions match your desires. For example, I want an easy relationship, but I tend to like complicated men. How exactly can I have an easy relationship with a man that is complicated? This is something that I really had to ask myself. I had to figure out why I am even attracted to them. It was then that I realized that I am a bit complicated. I also realized that my dad was complicated with everyone EXCEPT me. Therefore, I have subconsciously developed this identity of “being the exception”. In essence, I subconsciously think that the rules do not apply to me. In my professional life, I definitely operate this way. But I never thought about how this idea manifests in my personal relationships. This was a valuable finding and one that I could not have arrived at had I been getting dicked down by some complicated nigga.
For some girlfriends, the idea of no dick and not wasting your time with some nigga who has no intention of being anything you need is too hard to fathom. I get it. But I encourage you to challenge yourself to a Niggabatical so that you can figure your shit out. Learn your needs, desires and patterns so that you can stop doing the same shit over and over again.